A Deeper 'Why?' - When It's No Longer Just About Me

A Deeper “Why?”

by Ken Kutney



IF OUR STORY HELPS ONE PERSON, WE ARE HAPPY. 



Still acting like newlyweds when they

moved west, Terry and Julia Ruegg

settled into the quaint, historic fishing

village of Steveston in B.C. We met at a

summer church service on the beach. They

eagerly engaged in the community life of our

church, emphasizing authenticity, especially in

the enrichment of married couples. As for their

own marriage, after seven years it seemed that

Terry and Julia were unable to have children.

But as Terry recalls, “We were OK with that

and ready to go on with life—just the two of

us.”



Ken: I recall how delighted we all were

when the surprise came.



Terry: When we found out we were

 pregnant, we were shocked and scared. Good

thing we had nine months to adjust! We

became very excited about becoming parents.

Baby Melissa was born on Valentine’s Day,

stealing our hearts the instant we laid eyes on

her screaming little form.



K: The long delivery took a toll on all of you.

Describe the confusion of emotions that

followed.



Julia: A tough delivery ended in an emergency

C-section, but it was all worth it and we

were very thankful. After 36 hours, however,

our emotions turned to sorrow as the first

of many X-rays revealed an obstruction in

Melissa’s bowel. I sat in stunned silence as

the attendants wheeled away her incubator,

her little fists flailing. She would eventually be

diagnosed with Hirschsprung’s disease—a lack

of cells in a portion of the bowel.



K: Terry, you must have wanted to be

everywhere at once.



T: Julia was confined to Richmond General

Hospital because of the C-section. Melissa

was being transferred to Vancouver Children’s

Hospital, and the nurse asked, “Is there anyone

we can call for you?” At 12:30 a.m., my reply

was “No.” She asked again, “No parents?

No brothers or sisters?” I have never felt so

stripped of human support. I will never forget

having you by my side. You were Jesus with

skin on at the very moment I

needed it.



K: You must have been trying

to make sense of God at work in this.



J: All my life I’ve heard about how God is in

control. I never really knew it until I struggled

through a situation that forced my faith to

be tested. Blinding anger struck out toward

God. Why, after all this time, would He give

us a child, only to take her? Was He punishing

us? Was He a cruel jester? I raged at God for

hours, my soul raw. I sobbed, telling God how

unbearable it was. In that moment, God quietly

assured me He would carry us all through. I’ve

needed to revisit that place often.



 K: Yes, because when Melissa was nine

months old . . . surprise again!



T: We were more surprised at being

pregnant the second time around! Having two

babies so close together made us reassess our

circumstances. We decided to move home to

Ontario.



K: For the church community, it was sad to

pack you up; but we understood your desire

for family support.



J: Our second daughter was born healthy,

thank the Lord. Everything went well for both

the new baby and Melissa for sixteen months.

Kaitlyn’s delivery was problematic and I needed

physical and emotional healing. If Melissa had

been sick during that time I couldn’t have

handled it well.



K: Were there specific ways God was dealing

with you?



J: One sleepless night I spent time praying for

my family. When I began to pray for Melissa,

God let me know that we were in for some

challenging times. I didn’t passively accept that.

Weeping, I argued with God: “Things have

been hard enough for our family; we don’t

need this. Why us?” Then I remembered

something a friend had asked me: “Why not?

Are you any better than anyone else?” So I

prayed, “OK, God, if You’re going to entrust me

with this, then You’re going to have to show

me how to handle it.”



K: That sounds like a place of humility and

trust.



J: There are many ways to respond in difficult

times. Most of my life I have chosen to be

angry and bitter, using those very emotions to

protect my heart. The truth is, God can teach

us so much if we allow Him. It’s like that ageold

metaphor depicting God as the potter and

our hearts the clay. Being “reshaped” can really

hurt, though.



K: As you navigate uncertain times, has God

seemed closer to you or more distant?



J: I never expected God’s presence to be

so apparent in everything that was going on.

When my heart was breaking, God whispered

that He knew my pain and I was comforted.

When I’ve been frustrated, feeling that no one

was listening, God’s strength poured into me

and I did believe that no matter what happened

He would carry us.



T: No matter what, God’s in all of it. He gave

us a wonderful little girl we thought we’d never

have. If He chooses to take her, that is His

choice. Why her? Why us? Because we are the

right family to surround her with care; because

He knew we would love others more for it. I

will cry more, care more, listen more, and

help others more from having to lean on my

heavenly Father.



J: If our story helps one person, we are happy

to tell it. It has been incredibly therapeutic to put

into words what I’ve learned about God and

myself. Remember: “God can do anything, you

know—far more than you could ever imagine

or guess or request in your wildest dreams!

He does it not by pushing us around but by

working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently

within us” (Ephesians 3:20, The Message).



Ken Kutney previously pastored Steveston

Christian Church. He is currently on long-term

disability with a rare blood disease. You can read

his story along with the full Ruegg interview

and leave comments for Terry and Julia at

www.kenkutney.com.














I sat in stunnsilence

as the attendants

wheeled away her

incubator , her little

fists flailing.

A Deeper “Why?”

by Ken Kutney

IF OUR

STORY

HELPS ONE

PERSON, WE

ARE HAPPY.

Still acting like newlyweds when they

moved west, Terry and Julia Ruegg

settled into the quaint, historic fishing

village of Steveston in B.C. We met at a

summer church service on the beach. They

eagerly engaged in the community life of our

church, emphasizing authenticity, especially in

the enrichment of married couples. As for their

own marriage, after seven years it seemed that

Terry and Julia were unable to have children.

But as Terry recalls, “We were OK with that

and ready to go on with life—just the two of

us.”

Ken: I recall how delighted we all were

when the surprise came.

Terry: When we found out we were

pregnant, we were shocked and scared. Good

thing we had nine months to adjust! We

became very excited about becoming parents.

Baby Melissa was born on Valentine’s Day,

stealing our hearts the instant we laid eyes on

her screaming little form.

K: The long delivery took a toll on all of you.

Describe the confusion of emotions that

followed.

Julia: A tough delivery ended in an emergency

C-section, but it was all worth it and we

were very thankful. After 36 hours, however,

our emotions turned to sorrow as the first

of many X-rays revealed an obstruction in

Melissa’s bowel. I sat in stunned silence as

the attendants wheeled away her incubator,

her little fists flailing. She would eventually be

diagnosed with Hirschsprung’s disease—a lack

of cells in a portion of the bowel.

K: Terry, you must have wanted to be

everywhere at once.

T: Julia was confined to Richmond General

Hospital because of the C-section. Melissa

was being transferred to Vancouver Children’s

Hospital, and the nurse asked, “Is there anyone

we can call for you?” At 12:30 a.m., my reply

was “No.” She asked again, “No parents?

No brothers or sisters?” I have never felt so

stripped of human support. I will never forget

having you by my side. You were Jesus with

skin on at the very moment I

needed it.

K: You must have been trying

to make sense of God at work in this.

J: All my life I’ve heard about how God is in

control. I never really knew it until I struggled

through a situation that forced my faith to

be tested. Blinding anger struck out toward

God. Why, after all this time, would He give

us a child, only to take her? Was He punishing

us? Was He a cruel jester? I raged at God for

hours, my soul raw. I sobbed, telling God how

unbearable it was. In that moment, God quietly

assured me He would carry us all through. I’ve

needed to revisit that place often.

K: Yes, because when Melissa was nine

months old . . . surprise again!

T: We were more surprised at being

pregnant the second time around! Having two

babies so close together made us reassess our

circumstances. We decided to move home to

Ontario.

K: For the church community, it was sad to

pack you up; but we understood your desire

for family support.

J: Our second daughter was born healthy,

thank the Lord. Everything went well for both

the new baby and Melissa for sixteen months.

Kaitlyn’s delivery was problematic and I needed

physical and emotional healing. If Melissa had

been sick during that time I couldn’t have

handled it well.

K: Were there specific ways God was dealing

with you?

J: One sleepless night I spent time praying for

my family. When I began to pray for Melissa,

God let me know that we were in for some

challenging times. I didn’t passively accept that.

Weeping, I argued with God: “Things have

been hard enough for our family; we don’t

need this. Why us?” Then I remembered

something a friend had asked me: “Why not?

Are you any better than anyone else?” So I

prayed, “OK, God, if You’re going to entrust me

with this, then You’re going to have to show

me how to handle it.”

K: That sounds like a place of humility and

trust.

J: There are many ways to respond in difficult

times. Most of my life I have chosen to be

angry and bitter, using those very emotions to

protect my heart. The truth is, God can teach

us so much if we allow Him. It’s like that ageold

metaphor depicting God as the potter and

our hearts the clay. Being “reshaped” can really

hurt, though.

K: As you navigate uncertain times, has God

seemed closer to you or more distant?

J: I never expected God’s presence to be

so apparent in everything that was going on.

When my heart was breaking, God whispered

that He knew my pain and I was comforted.

When I’ve been frustrated, feeling that no one

was listening, God’s strength poured into me

and I did believe that no matter what happened

He would carry us.

T: No matter what, God’s in all of it. He gave

us a wonderful little girl we thought we’d never

have. If He chooses to take her, that is His

choice. Why her? Why us? Because we are the

right family to surround her with care; because

He knew we would love others more for it. I

will cry more, care more, listen more, and

help others more from having to lean on my

heavenly Father.

J: If our story helps one person, we are happy

to tell it. It has been incredibly therapeutic to put

into words what I’ve learned about God and

myself. Remember: “God can do anything, you

know—far more than you could ever imagine

or guess or request in your wildest dreams!

He does it not by pushing us around but by

working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently

within us” (Ephesians 3:20, The Message).

Ken Kutney previously pastored Steveston

Christian Church. He is currently on long-term

disability with a rare blood disease. You can read

his story along with the full Ruegg interview

and leave comments for Terry and Julia at

www.kenkutney.com.

© istockphoto.com

Discovering the

power of trust

testimony/February 2009 13



I sat in stunned silence

as the attendants

wheeled away her

incubator , her little

fists flailing.

A Deeper “Why?”

by Ken Kutney

IF OUR

STORY

HELPS ONE

PERSON, WE

ARE HAPPY.

Still acting like newlyweds when they

moved west, Terry and Julia Ruegg

settled into the quaint, historic fishing

village of Steveston in B.C. We met at a

summer church service on the beach. They

eagerly engaged in the community life of our

church, emphasizing authenticity, especially in

the enrichment of married couples. As for their

own marriage, after seven years it seemed that

Terry and Julia were unable to have children.

But as Terry recalls, “We were OK with that

and ready to go on with life—just the two of

us.”

Ken: I recall how delighted we all were

when the surprise came.

Terry: When we found out we were

pregnant, we were shocked and scared. Good

thing we had nine months to adjust! We

became very excited about becoming parents.

Baby Melissa was born on Valentine’s Day,

stealing our hearts the instant we laid eyes on

her screaming little form.

K: The long delivery took a toll on all of you.

Describe the confusion of emotions that

followed.

Julia: A tough delivery ended in an emergency

C-section, but it was all worth it and we

were very thankful. After 36 hours, however,

our emotions turned to sorrow as the first

of many X-rays revealed an obstruction in

Melissa’s bowel. I sat in stunned silence as

the attendants wheeled away her incubator,

her little fists flailing. She would eventually be

diagnosed with Hirschsprung’s disease—a lack

of cells in a portion of the bowel.

K: Terry, you must have wanted to be

everywhere at once.

T: Julia was confined to Richmond General

Hospital because of the C-section. Melissa

was being transferred to Vancouver Children’s

Hospital, and the nurse asked, “Is there anyone

we can call for you?” At 12:30 a.m., my reply

was “No.” She asked again, “No parents?

No brothers or sisters?” I have never felt so

stripped of human support. I will never forget

having you by my side. You were Jesus with

skin on at the very moment I

needed it.

K: You must have been trying

to make sense of God at work in this.

J: All my life I’ve heard about how God is in

control. I never really knew it until I struggled

through a situation that forced my faith to

be tested. Blinding anger struck out toward

God. Why, after all this time, would He give

us a child, only to take her? Was He punishing

us? Was He a cruel jester? I raged at God for

hours, my soul raw. I sobbed, telling God how

unbearable it was. In that moment, God quietly

assured me He would carry us all through. I’ve

needed to revisit that place often.

K: Yes, because when Melissa was nine

months old . . . surprise again!

T: We were more surprised at being

pregnant the second time around! Having two

babies so close together made us reassess our

circumstances. We decided to move home to

Ontario.

K: For the church community, it was sad to

pack you up; but we understood your desire

for family support.

J: Our second daughter was born healthy,

thank the Lord. Everything went well for both

the new baby and Melissa for sixteen months.

Kaitlyn’s delivery was problematic and I needed

physical and emotional healing. If Melissa had

been sick during that time I couldn’t have

handled it well.

K: Were there specific ways God was dealing

with you?

J: One sleepless night I spent time praying for

my family. When I began to pray for Melissa,

God let me know that we were in for some

challenging times. I didn’t passively accept that.

Weeping, I argued with God: “Things have

been hard enough for our family; we don’t

need this. Why us?” Then I remembered

something a friend had asked me: “Why not?

Are you any better than anyone else?” So I

prayed, “OK, God, if You’re going to entrust me

with this, then You’re going to have to show

me how to handle it.”

K: That sounds like a place of humility and

trust.

J: There are many ways to respond in difficult

times. Most of my life I have chosen to be

angry and bitter, using those very emotions to

protect my heart. The truth is, God can teach

us so much if we allow Him. It’s like that ageold

metaphor depicting God as the potter and

our hearts the clay. Being “reshaped” can really

hurt, though.

K: As you navigate uncertain times, has God

seemed closer to you or more distant?

J: I never expected God’s presence to be

so apparent in everything that was going on.

When my heart was breaking, God whispered

that He knew my pain and I was comforted.

When I’ve been frustrated, feeling that no one

was listening, God’s strength poured into me

and I did believe that no matter what happened

He would carry us.

T: No matter what, God’s in all of it. He gave

us a wonderful little girl we thought we’d never

have. If He chooses to take her, that is His

choice. Why her? Why us? Because we are the

right family to surround her with care; because

He knew we would love others more for it. I

will cry more, care more, listen more, and

help others more from having to lean on my

heavenly Father.

J: If our story helps one person, we are happy

to tell it. It has been incredibly therapeutic to put

into words what I’ve learned about God and

myself. Remember: “God can do anything, you

know—far more than you could ever imagine

or guess or request in your wildest dreams!

He does it not by pushing us around but by

working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently

within us” (Ephesians 3:20, The Message).

Ken Kutney previously pastored Steveston

Christian Church. He is currently on long-term

disability with a rare blood disease. You can read

his story along with the full Ruegg interview

and leave comments for Terry and Julia at

www.kenkutney.com.

© istockphoto.com

Discovering the

power of trust

testimony/February 2009 13