The Value of Hurtful Conflict (Part 2)

The Value of Hurtful Conflict ... Cont'd

What value can there possibly be in conflict? Is the only hope in resolution?

Last time we looked at how one's performance improvement is directly correlated with increasing one's capacity for conflict. If that's true, it calls for an approach quite different from the old 'fight or flight' reflex. We have to consider:

What would happen if we purposely committed to staying in conflict a little longer.

The commitment to work through a conflict could be life changing because it can dramatically increase not only what you can learn about what's going on around you, but also what's going on in you. Conflict is a necessary process for un-learning on a daily basis that challenges and reshapes our position for better solutions.

Naturally, this kind of commitment is easier to make with someone you love and respect. But there are plenty of situations where conflict has to do with people that don't quite fit that category! Then what?

They say you should 'keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.'

I always thought that had to do with paranoia, but something I read several years ago in John Maxwell's book, Developing the Leader Within You, has stuck with me. He suggests that if we want to develop our leadership potential we should embrace the criticism of people who don't seem to be on our side.

Why?

Within the criticism we can usually find the seed of some truth; and the people close to us are there precisely because they do not hurt us. So where else can we grow in this way?

In other words, maybe we need to keep our enemies close not just so we can keep an eye on them, but so we can hear what they are saying to us. If we are willing to embrace the pain of conflict, we have found a means for precise and dramatic character development.

It takes courage to confront reality with the realization that it may well involve discovering aspects of good, bad, and myself therein. The valuable result to keep in mind is that the process takes us to deeper levels of psychological maturity, feeling confident and empowered to cope with difficulties by dealing directly with them. Ironically, the avoidance of conflict actually leaves us feeling less confident to cope.

In this way then, conflict isn't part of the problem, it is part of the solution.

Perhaps it has seemed an unlikely topic, but once you start thinking about it, conflict is too widespread in people's interactions to be so little discussed. The Bible says, 'Blessed are the peacemakers' because they are so very much needed!

Be a peace maker, not by avoiding hurtful conflict so much as expecting it; anticipate it discerningly with a fresh commitment to work at resolution, keeping in mind that the capacity to handle increased conflict is as important as resolving it.

Rev. Kenton J. Kutney